What If

What if this was how things were supposed to be?

When we think about our future and the milestones we dream of having, we often neglect the thought that the opposite of what we anticipate to happen could end up being our reality. We expected to get the job we want, the “perfect” partner, our dream home, and even our dream family. The list could go on and on and be about anything and everything. It’s okay to have dreams. It’s okay to have an idea of the type of life we want and who we want to be a part of it. It helps keep us focused and from making decisions entirely off of emotions. The problem is that we are so absorbed in society and way of thinking within our culture that we tend to fall for the belief we are owed everything.

We forget that life does not owe us anything.

I used to get royally pissed off with myself and the hand of cards that, to this day, I’m still holding. I used to cry and refuse to have joy for anyone who was “so easily” getting pregnant as I watched and assumed I knew their story. I didn’t know shit. I didn’t know their personal struggles with pregnancy. I didn’t know the losses they may have suffered, or the complications they could be having in their pregnancy – the risks or warnings they were receiving from their doctors or the fear they carried in their hearts daily at the thought of losing their baby. All I saw was that they had what I wanted and I was envious. Looking back on it now years later, I realize envy wasn't my only issue; I carried a deep sense of entitlement that I allowed to cloud my ability to be happy at all for anyone. I couldn’t even be happy for myself at all. My narrow-minded perspective robbed me of really living my life at that moment because all I focused on was that everyone else seemed to be having what I told myself repeatedly I deserved. I robbed myself of finding happiness and joy in anything else I had been blessed with in my life because of the one thing I wasn’t being blessed with on my terms and on the timeline I wanted it.

Now being where I’m at today, there are a lot of moments where I sit and look at how infertility has blessed my life. I know to some women dealing with infertility that I sound crazy for seeing infertility as a blessing, but there are deep reasons why. Going through the ups and downs has shown me a lot about myself and who I don’t want to be. The worse of me came out in the first two years and it’s not a part of me that I’m proud existed, or ever want to see again. I never thought that infertility could refine my soul in such a way that I would become a better woman. I sure as hell didn’t think that infertility would create in me such a strength that I’d be able to say “I’m okay if I don’t get pregnant” and actually mean it. Do I still hope for it in my life? Absolutely. Do I still pray and dream for it? Every single day. Do I still feel envy when I see others rejoicing over pregnancy, or entitled to the experience? Absolutely not.

So, what if? What if this was how it was supposed to be because there because parts of me needed to die so that my soul could learn what it truly meant to live? What if this card is still in my hand because women need to know that there’s beauty on the other side of this struggle that isn’t necessarily in the form of a child? I don’t know. And honestly, part of me doesn’t want to know. I think if I knew then I would cease to be vulnerable so that others may find healing. So maybe that’s the answer? Maybe my hopes and dreams needed to be shattered so the pieces of my brokenness could be rearranged into something better so that when others see it, they can see that some of the most beautiful things come from broken pieces.