The Seed

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  For starters – that question blows.  Most adults can’t even answer that question. Everyone has multiple interests and passions they want to pursue and to feel the pressure to narrow them all down to one main focus is just ridiculous is my mind.  Just so happens though that the answer to this question was simple for me - a missionary and a mother.  That’s it.  That’s all I was dreaming of being.  The idea of traveling the world like a little nomad, loving on others, and eventually landing a full-time gig where my title was “Mom” and promotions were determined by how many seats I’d end up needing in a vehicle to haul my minis around was all I wanted for my life.  The problem with answering this question when it was presented to me was that I was the ripe, young age of thirteen.  I remember thinking, “This person is not going to take me seriously when I tell them that all I want to do is be a missionary and a mother.”  In fact, very few adults did take me seriously when I would tell them that exact thing.  What would have really made this person have a conniption was that I didn’t want to just be a mother to my own children – I wanted to adopt children also.  I honestly can’t even tell you what my response back was because it wasn’t a response that held any weight.  It was empty and void of any sustenance because I told them what they wanted to hear.  It was probably something along the lines of a profession that would ensure my financial security as an adult and lead to big promotions and materialistic possessions that I could give two shits about.  Yes, that’s right.  I said shit.  Won’t be the last time you see it in a post.

We have this issue as a society that’s become the culture in the great nation of the U.S of A and it’s an issue that I was extremely aware of even as a teenager.  There is this unspoken idea that your life is successful when you have the money and things to show for the work that you do.  Hell, it’s even a spoken idea so who am I kidding?  But I never really took an interest in this measurement scale.  What I did take interest in was the original design of men and women when I was younger.  The traditional mentality, plus a few tweaks here and there, of men and women were appealing to me.  I loved and still do love the idea of men being the protectors and providers and I still really admire the notion of women being the nurtures and homemakers despite understanding that this is something our culture is breaking away from and sees as sexist.  To each their own, but this is just my perspective.  So when I thought about what my future would look like, even at the age of thirteen, I envisioned it with some traditional composition in mind.

I know you’re here because you want to read about infertility, how you can cope with the pain of empty arms that seems unbearable, where to find support, fostering, adoption and all the other things tied into it.  I promise we are going to get to those things, but before I can begin to explain those journeys I have to start where it all began for me – where the seed was planted that truly started growing the desires of my heart far beyond what I believed they could become.  That question being asked to me when I was thirteen did more than just affirm to me that I knew my calling very early in life.  It sparked the journey of answering a deeper question that has brought me to where I’m at today.  Why this?  We’ll get to the answers of that question as we go.  By the way, figuring out those answers ended up being one of the most mentally and emotionally painful and beautifully refining adventures I believe I will ever have had.

Oh, that whole dream of being a missionary – I did that too, but we’ll get to that later.