Coping Part II: Despair Joins the Party

I remember sitting on the exam table, waiting for the doctor to go over ultrasound results to see if and how many follicles had developed, and desperately hoping this would be it.  We were on our third round of Letrozole, had just done the Day 14 ultrasound, and were hoping to do our second round of an HCG trigger shot so that we could attempt IUI.  In the months prior we had gone through the extensive blood work, sperm tests, and I underwent an HSG to flush my fallopian tubes.  The Letrozole took care of the hormonal issues my blood tests showed, my husband’s sperm count and motility were above average, and the HSG revealed that my right tube was blocked, but the left was as healthy and open as could be.  To sum it up, we had a good chance of getting pregnant and the belief was that IUI could up our odds.

So why feel despair when there seemed to be hope?  Well, my husband was out of town when I needed him to be home.  This isn’t his fault.  I’m not blaming him.  He had a guy’s trip planned with his best buddies and he deserved to be away and to enjoy a weekend with these men he hardly got to see.  Originally we thought we would have a day after he got back before we would need to go in for the procedure.  What we actually had was 24 hours from the point of my appointment; he wouldn’t be home for 72 hours. It’s just how the timing of my cycle landed and it wasn’t in our favor.   My body was reacting so well to the medication that I was going to ovulate well before he got home and without the aid of the trigger shot.

This is why I felt despair.  Timing was becoming an ever-present enemy that I could not control and I started to become extremely angry at myself.  I felt like my body was failing me.  I felt solely responsible for why my husband wasn’t becoming a father.  I couldn’t control my cycles, couldn’t control how my hormones fluctuated despite trying to completely change my lifestyle, and I was starting to lose control of my mental and emotional state in the process.  I have always been a mentally and emotionally strong person, but this was breaking meEssentially I felt like I was losing control of who I was as a woman because I couldn’t do what I was created to.  In my mind, I had failed and I had lost my value.  What made it even worse is I felt like I couldn’t even succeed with the help of professionals.  My body wouldn’t even follow the timeline that doctors said it would follow.

My doctor that day was truly the little sliver of peace I needed at that moment.  This wasn’t the doctor I had been working with.  This doctor was kind and encouraging.  He had a father’s heart towards me and our situation and gave advice with my best interest at heart.  This doctor was unwilling to put me through medically unnecessary measures that could cause me harm trying to delay ovulation and continue with IUI.  If I could be grateful for anything that day, it was this man.  He looked at my disappointment and told me it was justified and okay.  I only wish I had been willing to be so gracious to myself and believe it.

-Bri